When age creeps up on you

An old cliche says that time is gold. Every day though, it seems we learn that time is much more valuable. Money lost can be earned back. Time wasted can't.

This is the realization I face right now. I realized, my peers in church are in their late teens, while I'm already in my mid-twenties. They've done so much more in the relatively shorter span of their lives than I did. They have achieved so much in their young age and my accolades pale in comparison. What the hell was I doing when I was their age?

Of course, I've always been on the slower side of things. I entered my first year of formal schooling at five, when most of my classmates were four. I spent 5 years in high school when most people would finish it in 4. I had a chance to catch up when I entered a school with a trimestral calendar which means I can finish my Commerce degree in a little over three years, but because of lack of initiative and excessive indecision, I finished in 4 1/2.

I've also been somewhat of a loner. I had very few friends growing up. Maybe it's because I was shy, or maybe a little weird. Maybe I was just too insecure of my physical appearance or my (perceived) modest background (my parents used to make us believe we were poor). I don't know. I just didn't have a lot of friends. Anyway, I've always thought that one day I'll be the cool guy. I would be good in sports, academics, and a lot of fun to be with. All the guys would want to be friends with me, and all the girls would have a crush on me (please allow my child self to humor himself). Well, having very few friends I was nowhere near that. But I always looked for people I can mimic, the guys who I thought were cool. Little by little I tried to copy their movements, their attitudes, and even their points of view. During my adolescence, I didn't look for myself like all the kids at that age. I looked for the person who I wanted to be, an ideal image which I felt would be better than being myself.

All I did was look at myself, look at people I thought were cool, and tried to find ways on how I can become one of those people. The little friends that I did have, I took for granted, because I always thought that one day, I'll hang out with cooler friends. I've been living my life, daydreaming about the day when society would look at me and say that I'm an important part of it. I bet the former classmates that ignored me would feel sorry. But now, I realized that I've been spending so much time dreaming that I've totally lost sight on actually doing things that would get me closer to that goal. I've been dispassionate about everything in my life, not really working hard on anything. I just kept on dreaming.

Now I'm 23 and I still haven't had a romantic relationship.

Now I'm 23 and I have very little money in the bank.

Now I'm 23 and I'm still fat because I don't go to the gym regularly.

Now I'm 23 and I've only been an organist for a year.

Now I'm 23 and my career is on hold because my mother wants me to go into business... eventually.

Now I'm 23 and I still ask for money from my mom.

Now I'm 23 and I have nothing to show for it.

How could I have wasted so much time? My best friends are in college, yet they've done so much more living than I have. I earned my degree almost a year ago.

Well, one thing's for sure. I'm not going to waste any more time regretting and daydreaming.

Starting today I'm going to be doing a lot more living of my own.